How do you become good parents. How do you raise your children. How do you provide them with the best opportunities of succeeding in life. Of becoming happy. And when is it that you have succeeded. How will you achieve happiness. Is it when you get a good education and a successful career. Or is spending time with your family and following your passions more important. One thing is sure. Chinese parents and American parents definitely have different views on this.
According to many Chinese parents, the best way of raising your children is by using the strict traditional way. They punish, excoriate and threaten their children.[1] But they do it to help push them in the right direction. To help them be the best. Because to them nothing but being the best is acceptable. And then it is of course crucial to get a good education. The key words to them are obedience and hard work.[2] Because only by working hard and by doing as told will they be able to succeed. If their children are good at playing piano, they will make them play all day in order to become perfect. To become the best. Therefore they also find that children need restrict choices, so that they will not decide to play computer games all day instead. And as mentioned earlier, the same goes with school, where many parents, such as the “tiger mum” Amy Chua, consider anything below an A minus unacceptable.[3] And if they do not do well, if they do not perform, they will be punished and shamed. Not physically punished of course. But psychologically.
To most American parents it seems absurd to raise your children like this. They believe that providing their children with love and allowing them to do whatever they want to do, is the best way of making them happy. They encourage them to discover their passions and to follow their dreams.[4] They do of course also want their children to do well in school, but it is not crucial. And there is no punishment for not doing well. In fact they believe that children will be permanently damaged if they are pushed too hard.[5] Instead they teach their children that they cannot be good at everything. If they are bad at math or football, they are probably good at something else. Also, many American parents consider it important that their children has a healthy social life. That they have friends. They value things such as individual freedom and self-reliance, and they believe in equality of opportunity. That everyone has a chance to succeed in the US. The American dream. And that you will achieve this dream by working hard.[6]
But to Chinese parents the American way of raising a child seems absurd too. And as Amy Chua says, they believe that “western parents assume children are more fragile than they really are”.[7] They believe that constantly boosting children’s self-esteem will set them up for a fall. That western parents send their children into the world with an inflated idea of their own abilities. And the moment they come face-to face with a tough competitor they will collapse. And then they believe that attending sleepovers, having playdates and so on, which in my opinion will help the children develop important social skills, is not important. In fact some Chinese parents, once again like Amy Chua, do not even allow their children those kinds of things.[8]
But who is right. Well, you can of course take a look at all kinds of different analyses and test. And most of them would probably tell you that Chinese children are the best in school. But does that necessarily mean that they are also the happiest. That they end up living the life they want to. The life that they have been dreaming of. Because I assume that Chinese children do have dreams as well. And does doing good in school always mean that you can get on in the real world. Well I am not sure about that. But one thing is sure, they all want the best for their children. Even the “tiger mum” Amy Chua. And according to her “nothing is more important than the relationship to her daughter, she wants her to be happy”.[9]
But exactly why do we see this difference in parenting. Well, it is of course a matter of culture. A matter of traditions. But besides that I believe that one of the major reasons why we see this strict parenting in China, is the one child policy that meant that until 2015 Chinese parents were only allowed to have one child. So you could say that they only had one chance to do it right. Also, I believe that in China the difference between getting in to a top college and not is enormous. The competition is extremely hard. And it is hard to get to the top of the society if you do not get in to a good college and get a good education. In America on the other hand I believe that many people consider it less crucial to get in to a good university. There are so many examples of people who have just followed their heart, their dreams, what they really wanted to do and not taken the “safe way” with education, and still ended up becoming successful. There is after all a reason why they call it the land of opportunities.
But there are of course also different views on how to raise a child within the borders of China. And there are of course also Chinese parents who will not raise their children like a tiger mum, but who will instead do it the American way. Parents who will encourage their children to discover their own passions. And the same goes for parents in America. They too do not all raise their children the same way. And honestly, I do not think you can say that there is a right or wrong way to raise your children, or that one method is better than another, as long as the children are not being hurt physically. And as I have already pointed out, it is a matter of culture. And I must admit that I have never experienced the Chinese culture, I do not know anything about their way of parenting besides what I have heard and read. And so it might not be fair to judge them.
But nonetheless I am a child raised in the western world, and to me the Chinese way of raising a child does not seem right. Because to me it can still be hard to believe that a child raised the Chinese way is a happy child. I believe that children should be taught to experience their own passions. To do what they want to. And to quote Bob Dylan, “A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do”. And that is what I believe we should be teaching children all over the world.
[1] Are strict Chinese mothers the best?
[2] Tiger Mother: Obedience is a Chinese value
[3] Tiger Mum, Prof Amy Chua
[4] The myth behind China’s Tiger Mother
[5] Are strict Chinese mothers the best?
[6] Traditional American values and beliefs
[7] Are strict Chinese mothers the best?
[8] Why Chinese mothers are superior – Amy Chua
[9] Tiger Mum, Prof Amy Chua